How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".