What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
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That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
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Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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