just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
