So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I'm really busy with my period
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