This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
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