i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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