are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
