You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize