my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
