I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
