He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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