I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
