no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Randomize
