RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
