Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Randomize