when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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