just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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