I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
