I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
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