Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
