i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
How is it? Sketchville?
cheap drinks and peanuts cancel out any form of sketchiness
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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