somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
