Already got asked if we're dating
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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