My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
