i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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