I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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