I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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