my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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