Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
