Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
