if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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