I wanna bring you to show and tell
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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