She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
