My entire life is one complicated drinking game
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
