I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
