Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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