i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
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Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
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IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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