True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
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