I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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