I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
