Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I know her cup size but not her name....
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