The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
