Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
