does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
