I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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