I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
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A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
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Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷