I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
23 Cringeworthy Responses to “I Love You”
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
These 19 Men’s Fashion Mistakes are Unforgivable, According to Women
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.