I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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