Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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