Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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