Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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