i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Randomize
