i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
