Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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