pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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