my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
