I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
