I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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