after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.