it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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