I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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