so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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