They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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