you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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